I Lift My Hands

It has been over a month and a half since Olivia was born and left. My grief has been erratic, my faith has been broken and my heart is still healing. I have been grappling with my beliefs, my knowings, my heart. I still miss her and I don't think that will ever go away.
I accept that.
I accept that I carried her for only 5 months.
I accept that I did the best that I could with the knowledge that I possessed.
I accept that awful things just happen.
I accept that this isn't a punishment from god.
I accept that every soul has their own path.
I accept that I cannot control the Universe.
I accept that she is gone physically.
I accept her fully as she showed up in her short journey with us.
I accept her.

I realize that my grief is something that I will walk through, many times alone.
There are nights that I cry myself to sleep because I still don't understand, not that I don't understand but my questions have no answers.
No one can tell me why I went into labor early.
No one can tell me why to any of it.
No one really knows.
Thats where my higher power, God, comes into the picture.

I ask him to take the sadness that is too heavy for me to carry now.
I ask him to let me be at peace with the not knowing.
I ask him to allow me to accept the things I cannot change.
I ask him to let me not forget but the strength to move forward.

Let faith arise.
Let it arise within me, with my sadness, my anger, my weakness, my questions, my doubts, my fears, my tears.
I am still here without her, but she is still with me everywhere I go. She tells me its ok to smile, its ok to laugh again, its ok to move on, its all ok. In the big picture, in the divine plan its ok, she is ok. Death is but a door to another life not known. When it closes another is open. Walk through with little faith, just walk through. I will always be connected to you, she says. I know this, yet the tears still fall, my heart still breaks........it will take time, it will take time.

Let my faith arise................................................................